i left my heart in san francisco

"if you have a dream and don't work at it, what good is the dream?"
~rita simo

exactly 2 weeks from now, it'll be my last day of school... and about 3 1/2 weeks from now, i'll be walking for my graduation ceremony... finally! *sigh*... well, i still owe the school my thesis, but hey!... i still consider myself done... just get the hell outta this school... :D

somehow, when i left my apartment this afternoon, i felt so lost... my mind wandered so far away. beats me if i know why suddenly everything became so blur... i know what i want and i'm gonna get it. however, nothing comes easy and everything has its own price. i'll have to take risks, leave everything behind, completely mute my feelings and (perhaps) sacrifice certain people's feeling, apart from working hard, persistence and what not.... and it's soooooo hard :(

i looked around, and wondered... did these people around me REALLY know what they were doing? were they really doing what they wanted to do in life? had they ever left their loved ones behind for their dreams? have they ever felt scared and confused? had they ever experienced what i'm going thru right now?... i know i won't be the only one. there're 6 billion people living on this earth, what's the chance that i was the only person going thru this shitty time?...

"abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing."
~morris l. west

actually i had a similar experience a while back, and it sucked! now it repeats. i guess this is part of growing up, living by yourself in some foreign country, and trying to establish yourself from the very bottom, huh? :) leaving behind what you've already accustomed to isn't the easiest thing to do, but somehow it's an everyday story here. been there, done that, yet it's still hitting me hard. i'm still a student of life, and i'm still learning. i might be wrong, but what i've learned so far... sometimes you gotta push your limit so far 'til you can't push no more, 'n leave your loved ones no matter how hard it is in order to move forward in your life and reach your goals... to earn something, you gotta lose something...

"dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go; be what you want to be,
because you only have one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do"
~anonymous

when i look at my friends back home who have never been so far away from home or living alone by themselves, sometimes i feel A TINY BIT jealous... why? 'cuz it's SORTA the opposite of living here. although indonesia is a 3rd world country, but living there is extremely comfortable. you'll never hear any of my friends packing, moving their stuff from 1 apartment to another, or driving the moving truck on their own. MANY people in my city have maids and drivers, so you'll almost never hear them cook, do their own laundry, mop the floor or even made their own bed unless the maids are going back to where they're from. especially in my city, many of 'em are already born and raised there, many just can't conceive the idea of moving around from 1 city to another for a job... 'cuz my city is the capital where almost everything is practically happening there... nonetheless, i'm so grateful for what i have right now. nothing can be said to express how thankful i am to my parents for sending me here. *

*sigh* :) being a grown up ain't easy at all... life becomes more and more complicated everyday. but then, i don't wanna go back to my old days either... 'cuz my complicated life right now is molto interessante e bellissima. it's full of ups and downs, excitements and surprises. the only thing i really wish right now is to be able to slow the time down... 'cuz trust me, i still wanna enjoy what i have right now. i don't feel like letting it go yet....

anyway.... i'm at the point where i'm confused with my own writing now :D just 'one' of those days, perhaps... or i simply need a longgg good nite sleep

"the best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep"
~anonymous

* i said MANY, ok? :)